Friday night was circus night and I can’t even express how magical it was. I haven’t been somewhere so beautiful in a long time. Elephants, Tigers, Clowns, Excitement, Suspense; “The Greatest Show On Earth”.It reminded me of the summers I worked at 4H camp. Where everyday felt like it was the greatest day of your life. Essentially your job, everyday, was to be as excited as you could possibly make yourself, for every waking minute. Camp was a place where if it was raining, you were excited about it. It was saying yes to everything, and when something failed, knowing that Plan B was going to be as awesome as Plan A. It was summers of sleep deprivation that felt good, fascination in everything, and unexpected newness everyday.I can’t remember ever feeling anger, hurt, or disappointment while in that place. People just… got along. There was no reason to be petty. But mainly there was no reason for me to be controlling. Things just happened there, and you knew there wasn’t much you could do about it but keep going, and make it so that the group of ten or so thirteen year olds following you around didn’t know the difference. Because if you were having a good time, they were having a good time, and it was contagious both ways.

I miss that. You were just constantly being lifted up. Because although the first week drained you, and you knew you couldn’t possibly ever smile again because you’d done it for 6 days straight and your jaw hurt and you’re sunburned, and bug bitten and sleeping in a cot… The next day was easier. It was contagious within you too. You push your personality so hard that after awhile, that’s just how you are. You’re happy. You’re optimistic.

And that was the circus was for me. That new thing I’d forgotten to look for everyday, reminding me if I don’t push everyday to find that happiness in rain, I’ll get stuck.